Recently I read an article online which stated that women in managerial positions apologize far more than men. When I tried to find that article online to write this post, I found so many, ever so many articles about why women need to stop apologizing overall, and how they can stop doing it.
So, most of these articles are written for the Western world and involve examples of their culture. But then, how much worse is it for us?? Women in our culture are expected to be far more demure and modest. I came across this in a weird form in myself last month, when I suddenly realized that I don't make eye contact on the street, even with people I know. I have a tendency to meet someone's eyes, and then promptly look down at the pavement at my feet.
So, am I modest and demure? Not really. I tend to be very blunt and straightforward, except in some scenarios, when I'm told that I tend to be passive-aggressive. This is an accusation often pointed at women who move in "liberated" circles in formerly "conservative" cultures, where they are expected to be strong and definitive but tend to avoid the issue. The definition of passive-aggressive is "of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation." So, passive-aggressiveness is a sign that one doesn't feel able to stand up for oneself directly and try to get around it by other means. Why am I unable to stand up for myself? Because some people are strong and violent, and I have unfortunate experiences of being involved in physical altercations for simply standing up for myself. In actual fact, the very person who now accuses me of being passive-aggressive is the one who put that fear into me himself. (And yes, I do realize that, even now, I am being passive-aggressive by not naming and shaming him :) ) Or, I have been in situations where I am a minority and am jeered at and embarrassed by my peers for being who I am. We all want to be liked and loved and tend to refrain from being blunt in order for our conversations to be acceptable. So, I would say that I tend to be blunt and straightforward only with those I feel I can have an honest and open conversation with, without fear of physical or emotional retaliation. And yes, I need to stop apologizing for that as well!!!
Another area women tend to fail in cultures like ours is when we try to (not) take credit for what is due to us. I found myself apologizing to someone who complimented me on my new car that "I know it's not top of the line, but it suits my needs". A friend, when complimented on her cooking, said "it's nothing aney, I just put it together", or "I didn't have all the ingredients I needed but it's edible I guess". This brings my grandmother to my mind, where, back in the 1980s and early 1990s she would cook a "special" dish every now and then. Once the table is set and the family has sat down for the meal, she would bring it herself, saying "I know it's not much and I'm not sure it's tasty, but I thought you might like it" ("ලොකු දේකුත් නෙමෙයි, රසදත් මන්ද ... හැබැයි හදල දෙන්න හිතුනා"). My father used to laugh and say it's her way of advertising her products. However, 30+ years later, we are still guilty of this.
My biggest concern is, however, in the issue of women in the workplace. We dither and apologize during direct conversations, or even in emails. We say "I'm afraid I.." or "I'm sorry to interrupt..." or even just "I'm sorry..", and apologize even when things are definitely not our fault. We demean or trivialize our own statements. We downplay our accomplishments at home and especially in the workplace, where the end result is that we don't get credit for our achievements, whereas our male coworkers have no issue with talking about their successes and ensuring that they are rewarded for them.
I'm even guilty of procrastinating in circumstances where I have to give a harsh feedback, hoping that the situation would go away and I won't need to deal with it. Which, of course, leads to issues that are far more convoluted and damaging than if I dealt with it in the first place. On the other hand, by not confronting an issue in due time, it escalates in our head as we obsess over it and become emotionally worked up until our response is not in line with the scenario. My ex always used to tell this story of a man who was going to his neighbor's to ask for a mammoty, or garden hoe. On his way, he rehearsed possible conversations where the neighbor would refuse him and how he would explain his circumstances in order to persuade him. This escalated so much in his head that, when he knocked on the door and the neighbor answered, he simply yelled at him, "You can take your mammoty and shove it!" (තියාගනින් උඹේ උදැල්ල!!!) and stomped back home.
We also avoid giving a straight answer when it's a matter of saying no. I had my Swedish boss tell me a while ago that, "If you say yes, you should mean yes and do it. If you say nothing, it means you agree and so you should do it. If you say no, you'd better have good reasons for it and if you can't justify it, you will need to do it anyway!" So, I've had to learn to articulate my reasons and be very clear in my communications so that there are no misunderstandings, and I now hold my subordinates to the same logic, as it makes work far more simple.
The reverse of this is to thank people overmuch for things they have done. I thank people for fulfilling the basic expectations when they do things they should be doing in the first place. This is, of course, polite, but we go overboard on it. We thank them for the little things when we should reserve our profuse thanks for the big things. Our reactions are far too extreme. A friend pointed out that, in traditional Sri Lankan culture, thank you was never said. All you got is a nod and a smile of acknowledgment, and this is still true of people from rural areas. That made me think of fae etiquette in most fantasy fiction, where saying "thank you" to a fae is a deep insult.
So, what is the solution to all this? Stop apologizing for being alive! Stop feeling like you are inconveniencing people when you are just expecting them to do their job. Praise people and thank them for a job well done, not for doing a half-assed feeble attempt. And learn to accept compliments with grace and sincerity. If someone says, "good job!" or "Your food is amazing!" the proper response would be "thank you" or the even saucier "I know, right?" It's tough I know, but we need to take ownership of our lives and our accomplishments.
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